Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
