wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
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