At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
