You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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