i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
