I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
