Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
