Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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