You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What a dumb baby whore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
