I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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