I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize