screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
