Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
