I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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