come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
