omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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