Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
