im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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