You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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