Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
