i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
