What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
