Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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