I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
