what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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