I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
