Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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