id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
