My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
