Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
