I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
