also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
