my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
