Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
