My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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