he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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