I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
