College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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