I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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