we have pet lesbian snakes
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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