i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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