You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
