Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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