I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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