When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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