I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
