im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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