Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
