the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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