Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
