My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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