i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
