Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
