have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
