I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
