You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
