I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
