I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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